S04E8 - The Epic Clash: Who Will Prevail?
The central theme of this episode revolves around the spirited semifinals of our ongoing competitive quest, wherein we engage with our esteemed guests, Jo and Andre, who have triumphed in their previous matches. As we delve into the dynamics of their victories, the atmosphere is charged with anticipation as they prepare to face off in a contest that tests both their wit and strategy. Throughout the episode, a series of playful banter and tactical discussions unfold, culminating in a series of game segments that challenge their abilities to concoct the most entertainingly absurd characters and scenarios. The camaraderie amongst participants and the lively exchanges highlight the essence of tabletop gaming culture, where creativity and humor coalesce. Ultimately, we celebrate the unique narratives crafted by our players, underscoring the joy of collaboration and storytelling within the realm of dice and adventure.
Transcript
Roll the dice, raise the ale Heroes gather, tell the tale Chat Monday the quest's begun not ones fly but we still run Mud's up high Let legends come welcome into Chat one and done.
Speaker A:Welcome back, everybody, to Chat one and Done.
Speaker A:We are in the semifinals.
Speaker A:We are joined today by Joe and Andre.
Speaker A:Congratulations, both of you guys for winning you guys matches.
Speaker A:How you guys feeling going into this?
Speaker B:I'm excited.
Speaker C:I'm feeling confident.
Speaker A:Y' all came to win.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Congratulations, Joe.
Speaker C:Congratulations, Joe, on your last rounds win and condolences on your upcoming lass.
Speaker B:Here we go.
Speaker B:That's really cute.
Speaker B:You don't scare me.
Speaker A:I don't know if you heard her last episode, man.
Speaker C:You don't.
Speaker A:You don't want to start that with her.
Speaker A:She comes swinging, bro.
Speaker A:She comes out swinging.
Speaker A:Which I felt bad because Damon Christians is, like, one of the nicest people ever.
Speaker B:I know.
Speaker B:I felt really bad afterwards.
Speaker A:I don't think you did.
Speaker A:I don't think you did.
Speaker A:I think after you.
Speaker A:After you hopped off, I think you PA. Recording, then you just laughed and laughed.
Speaker D:She was like, yeah, I love kicking puppies.
Speaker A:Oh, no.
Speaker C:All right.
Speaker A:She goes outside, force feeds people haggis.
Speaker B:That is my whole thing.
Speaker B:That is.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:As you can tell, we know very little about Scotland here.
Speaker B:I mean, haggis is a very big thing.
Speaker B:We do eat it quite a bit.
Speaker C:Just googling haggis.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker B:Look at the little animal.
Speaker B:It's great.
Speaker D:Don't do it.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:It's not an animal.
Speaker C:No, I'm looking at it.
Speaker C:It is like a sausage.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's kind of like.
Speaker B:It's basically the inside of a sheep's stomach.
Speaker B:And it's spicy.
Speaker B:It's great.
Speaker B:It's super good black puddin.
Speaker B:I don't know if you guys have black pudding.
Speaker B:Black pudding is made out of blood.
Speaker B:That's great.
Speaker D:Congealed pig's blood.
Speaker D:Yum.
Speaker A:At some point, they're just like, let's see what's the grossest shit we can make to force people to eat?
Speaker B:And we eat that for breakfast.
Speaker C:Scream to me.
Speaker C:Winter is harsh and full of terrors, and we must make do.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Their cuisine is really screaming out.
Speaker A:Winter's coming.
Speaker B:Listen, we had to.
Speaker B:We had to find our own way after the English tried to invade us, man.
Speaker B:Like, we.
Speaker B:We had to try our best in Scotland.
Speaker C:Hey, you know what?
Speaker C:English invasion is where we can all bond, actually.
Speaker D:You're right.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:God damn it.
Speaker B:Damn the English.
Speaker C:The best practice that.
Speaker C:I think I would try haggis and black pudding, if offered at least once.
Speaker B:Good.
Speaker A:I don't think it is.
Speaker B:It tastes like meat.
Speaker B:It just tastes like meat.
Speaker C:Like, I shouldn't, but I would.
Speaker C:I would try it.
Speaker D:Are there any dishes in Jamaica.
Speaker C:Go again.
Speaker D:Are there any horror dishes like that in Jamaica that are like.
Speaker C:So I guess this might be horror.
Speaker C:This might be horrific to persons who aren't from here.
Speaker C:But manish water is where after you kill a goat, first of all, the first horrific part is, oh, cute goats.
Speaker C:Yeah, they die.
Speaker C:And after you get.
Speaker C:They put like the head and the teeth and the testicles and the stomach into a soup.
Speaker C:The issue is the soup slaps.
Speaker C:It's real good soup.
Speaker C:But you do, like, sometimes scoop and come up with, like, bones and like a tooth here.
Speaker C:The part of us don't care.
Speaker A:Yeah, I know.
Speaker A:Because I know.
Speaker A:I feel like every.
Speaker A:I feel like every culture has something like that.
Speaker A:Whereas, like, for.
Speaker A:For Mexicans, because my ladies, my lady's quiet.
Speaker A:So when I was like telling her, like, some of the, like the Mexican dishes and stuff, she's like, ew.
Speaker A:I was like, you ever tried it?
Speaker A:Which is a beef tongue and then which is beef cheek also great.
Speaker C:Tongue and cheek.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:It's pretty much the meat from the head and then tripitas is what?
Speaker A:Tripe.
Speaker B:I like tripe.
Speaker C:It's really good meals here.
Speaker C:They're not really a major part or anything.
Speaker C:It's just like we have tribe on the menu today.
Speaker C:It's curried and that's a booty.
Speaker A:We put in tacos, we grill it up and then put it on tacos.
Speaker A:Nice.
Speaker A:What is it?
Speaker A:Menudo is just cow stomach, which.
Speaker A:That's 50.
Speaker A:50.
Speaker A:I've had some bad manuva.
Speaker B:Safe.
Speaker C:That's.
Speaker B:That's safe.
Speaker B:Have you guys ever heard of a deep fried mars bar?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker C:Hold on one second.
Speaker C:What do you think is in a chicken nugget?
Speaker D:I don't want to think about what's in a chicken nugget.
Speaker B:That's a good point.
Speaker C:I think what it is is that the US hides what it is from you.
Speaker C:It's just like.
Speaker A:And I'm fine with that.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:I would rather not.
Speaker C:Is just like, here's the testicle.
Speaker C:It is in there.
Speaker C:Accept the truth and have the.
Speaker A:So it's a Jamaican chicken nugget.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:He's like, no, not at all.
Speaker A:What have we brought it?
Speaker C:I think what our chicken nugget is is very similar because they have chicken foot soup, whereas the literal, like, foot the claw part in there.
Speaker A:In Mexico, they have the chicken foot, but they Pickle it.
Speaker A:And then they put hot sauce on it.
Speaker A:You just eat it like that.
Speaker B:This is great.
Speaker A:It's really good.
Speaker B:To be fair, there's not much I won't eat.
Speaker B:Like, I just don't like liver, but I will that and like eggplant.
Speaker A:I think we can all agree that liver is just terrible.
Speaker B:Liver is gross.
Speaker B:I will eat literally anything.
Speaker B:Eggplant.
Speaker B:What do you.
Speaker B:Is that what it's called?
Speaker B:Aubergine, eggplant, Zucchini.
Speaker B:Same, same.
Speaker B:Gross.
Speaker A:Zucchini.
Speaker D:So you'll eat from animal's guts without flinching, but a plants.
Speaker D:No.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:It's just the texture.
Speaker B:Like, it's so slimy.
Speaker A:You ever had a deep fried zucchini?
Speaker B:No, I choose to avoid them.
Speaker A:Okay, okay, hear me out.
Speaker A:You gotta try.
Speaker A:Hear me out.
Speaker A:Let me, Let me.
Speaker A:Let me put you on some here.
Speaker A:So a deep fried zucchini, but they bread it and they deep fry it.
Speaker A:And then they give you this little sauce, which I'm pretty sure is just a combination of like mustard, ketchup, and mayo kind of mixed in with a little bit of hot sauce.
Speaker A:And it's.
Speaker C:At a certain point a vegetable doesn't fulfill the role of a vegetable if you deep fry it.
Speaker A:Doesn't have to.
Speaker A:It's delicious is what it is.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:I just can't get past the squeakiness when you bite it and it squeaks.
Speaker A:How do you feel about cheese curds then?
Speaker B:Oh, I don't know what that is.
Speaker E:What?
Speaker B:What?
Speaker A:Lost in translation.
Speaker A:It's like squeaky cheese.
Speaker B:Halloumi.
Speaker B:Halloumi.
Speaker B:That I hate.
Speaker B:I don't like that.
Speaker B:I don't like rice crackers.
Speaker B:I'm like, anything that squeaks, I don't like it.
Speaker B:But everything else, if you give me, like, a weird plate of food, I will eat it.
Speaker B:Like, I travel a bit.
Speaker B:I'll eat the weirdest.
Speaker B:Like, I don't mind.
Speaker B:Just don't give me liver or anything that squeaks when I bite it and it'll be fine.
Speaker C:I feel the same about liver.
Speaker C:I'll eat kidney just fine.
Speaker C:But live up there.
Speaker B:Have you had chicken hearts?
Speaker B:That's great.
Speaker B:Chicken hearts are great.
Speaker A:And this is really.
Speaker A:This is where they lose me.
Speaker C:This is where we vegetarians, by the way.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:No, they're gone.
Speaker A:They've been gone since season one.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:It's so good.
Speaker B:We have.
Speaker B:My partner's Brazilian, so we have a thing called churrasco, which is basically like a Brazilian barbecue.
Speaker B:And it's like a very common Thing is just to get like a little, like, pile of chicken hearts.
Speaker B:And it's so good.
Speaker B:It's great.
Speaker B:Big fan.
Speaker A:We have this thing in Mexico.
Speaker A:It's called sombora.
Speaker A:You just basically marinate your fist and you beat a fucking little animal to death and it marinates their soul.
Speaker A:I'm just kidding.
Speaker A:That's not a real thing.
Speaker D:It's a rite of passage.
Speaker A:It's a rite of passage.
Speaker A:Like no man.
Speaker C:In proximity.
Speaker A:So close.
Speaker C:I think not much that Mexico would do in a culinary sense would have escaped our grasp.
Speaker C:Like, because fruits and vegetables.
Speaker C:Working with.
Speaker C:I'm like, there's no way.
Speaker C:You get more spice in them by beating them alive.
Speaker A:You tenderize the meat.
Speaker A:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker A:It's gonna be extra tender.
Speaker D:You tenderize the soul before it leaves the body.
Speaker D:And it makes exactly.
Speaker D:Just soak in so much easier.
Speaker A:The fear really adds a spice to it.
Speaker A:Oh, no.
Speaker E:All right, guys.
Speaker A:So have you guys done any prepping for this round?
Speaker A:You guys, like I said, you guys.
Speaker A:You guys did really good in your first rounds.
Speaker A:You guys beat.
Speaker A:You beat Slippery Rick, which is toast from coffee and D and D. Andre, you beat him on that.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:I think.
Speaker A:I think he got him real good with the dungeon dildos.
Speaker A:That was wild.
Speaker D:Crustacean Cruisers.
Speaker A:The Crustacean Cruisers were.
Speaker A:Yeah, those were people that.
Speaker C:There was something else other than dragons and dildos to my name.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker A:The inventor of the dildo dungeon, Andre.
Speaker D:I'll give you resume if you make.
Speaker A:It to the finals.
Speaker A:That's how I'm introducing you.
Speaker B:This is my first, like, introduction of you, Andre.
Speaker B:And all I just know is that dildos are involved.
Speaker B:So hell yeah, I'm here for it.
Speaker A:And then, Joe, you beat Gaming Creations in a very.
Speaker A:What might be the episode that has the most swears in it.
Speaker B:Sorry.
Speaker A:And ironically, it is the same swear little.
Speaker A:I'm gonna go back and I'm just Count it.
Speaker A:I'm gonna buy a little clickers, like,.
Speaker B:Just to count it.
Speaker B:No counter.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So you guys are in the semi finals now.
Speaker A:We.
Speaker A:I believe we just recorded the other end of the bracket for the semifinals.
Speaker A:And by the time this comes out, I think that episode will come out already.
Speaker A:So it's gonna be interesting to see who wins this one.
Speaker C:So who will I be facing?
Speaker D:Which brings us to our next segment.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:This is the segment where I will emphasize friendly trash talk.
Speaker B:Come on.
Speaker A:You know, fuck it.
Speaker A:Grip it and rip it.
Speaker A:Let's do it.
Speaker B:Why do you hate me?
Speaker B:Just let me fight someone.
Speaker B:God damn it.
Speaker A:All right, so we will do some.
Speaker A:Some trash talk here, and then we'll move on to the game segment.
Speaker C:Okay, I'm going to be sincere fabit.
Speaker C:So when I was younger, my parents took me to the circus, and I.
Speaker C:Even though everybody else was having fun, I felt really bad because I saw the tamer, like, whipping a tiger.
Speaker C:And so, Joe, when I checked out Dice Circus, I also felt really bad to see you guys beating a dead horse.
Speaker A:That's a style point on top right there.
Speaker D:Generational bird.
Speaker A:Jesus Christ.
Speaker A:He went.
Speaker A:I was like, where's the.
Speaker D:For his.
Speaker A:That's a style point if I ever heard one.
Speaker A:That shit was great.
Speaker B:Okay, well, I tried to Google you, but I didn't find anything.
Speaker C:I don't.
Speaker B:I don't know you.
Speaker B:I don't recognize your name.
Speaker B:Who are you?
Speaker C:Ah, that's fair.
Speaker C:You'll see.
Speaker C:Tabletop jump.
Speaker C:I feel like Jamaica should just pop up on any Google.
Speaker C:I don't know how Google works where you're from, but it is fitting that you are running a circus because they do need a bearded lady at those.
Speaker A:Jesus Christ.
Speaker A:Oh, my God.
Speaker A:I'm telling you, man, I'm pretty sure he prepped these.
Speaker A:Oh,.
Speaker D:She said game recognized game, and you're looking unfamiliar.
Speaker D:And he said, you ugly.
Speaker B:Do you know what?
Speaker B:You caught me off guard with that, so.
Speaker B:No, I got nothing.
Speaker B:I got nothing, man.
Speaker A:That was good.
Speaker A:Oh, man, I gotta give him another stuff pulling off the top.
Speaker A:God damn.
Speaker A:He came swinging.
Speaker A:Oh, that was brutal.
Speaker A:All right, are we good there?
Speaker A:You want to throw one more?
Speaker B:He has more here.
Speaker C:Who is having a breakdown at the local Hot Topic.
Speaker B:We don't have that here, so that doesn't land as much as you think.
Speaker C:I use that one on Ruby.
Speaker D:It's Scotland.
Speaker D:It's cold topic there.
Speaker B:Literally, I got nothing.
Speaker A:Damn that.
Speaker A:You stumped Joe.
Speaker B:What you did.
Speaker B:That never happens.
Speaker D:But the.
Speaker B:The bearded lady got me the first one.
Speaker A:The first one.
Speaker A:I was like, God damn.
Speaker A:I'm so glad, because originally when we were doing the bracket, we had two people drop out, and the whole thing was like, we were trying to, like, rush to see who can throw in there.
Speaker A:And I was like, worst case, like, one of us can step in, like one of the hosts.
Speaker A:And then we're trying to figure out.
Speaker A:And then I think it was gonna end up being me.
Speaker A:I was like, I would have cried.
Speaker A:If I had to come across that, I would have cried.
Speaker A:I'm like, you know this.
Speaker A:I quit.
Speaker A:I would have been.
Speaker A:I would have quit.
Speaker A:First episode.
Speaker A:We would have been an episode Short see.
Speaker B:And you said friendly.
Speaker B:Friendly.
Speaker B:Friendly my ass.
Speaker A:Oh yeah, you mean like how last episode I said friendly, you swung with little bitch.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's all he wanted to do was talk about.
Speaker A:Talk to us about his tomatoes.
Speaker A:And you fucking smelled, poor guy.
Speaker A:Yeah, he sent us a picture of his tomatoes.
Speaker A:They're pretty cool looking.
Speaker A:Alright guys, so before we move on to the game SEC segment, same thing as last time, what's your guys's walkout song?
Speaker B:Walk out song.
Speaker C:Making my way downtown walking fast.
Speaker C:I keep panicking when I answer these.
Speaker A:I love this.
Speaker A:Because you know it's coming.
Speaker A:We do it every episode, every time.
Speaker D:You're on.
Speaker A:Every time and you panic.
Speaker C:It's just like me going mentally through a playlist and like.
Speaker C:No, no, not that one.
Speaker C:No, not that one.
Speaker C:The worst.
Speaker C:Making my way down to.
Speaker C:Oh my gosh.
Speaker A:That's a pretty solid one, I'll give you that.
Speaker B:Oh, what would mine be?
Speaker B:Burn.
Speaker B:Probably just barn.
Speaker B:Yeah, I freaking love that song.
Speaker A:That's a bop.
Speaker B:Eye of the tiger.
Speaker B:That's a.
Speaker B:No, I.
Speaker B:The tiger probably.
Speaker B:Yeah, all right.
Speaker A:It's a good one, Dante.
Speaker D:Absolute silence and then I would just like.
Speaker D:Or a farm as I walk out.
Speaker B:Or farm the order.
Speaker A:Farm.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:What is it called?
Speaker A:Where the kids come.
Speaker A:He's gonna be mogging.
Speaker A:Is that what it's called?
Speaker D:All you hear is like squeaky shoes,.
Speaker A:Your light up sketchers and no pants.
Speaker D:Yes.
Speaker A:That's terrible.
Speaker D:All right, CJ, they got Lightning McQueen on them too.
Speaker D:So, you know.
Speaker A:Oh, that's, you know.
Speaker A:That's sick.
Speaker A:That's sick.
Speaker E:Yes, sir.
Speaker A:I was clowning on you.
Speaker A:That's dope.
Speaker A:If you can find Lightning McQueen Sketchers in size 13, you.
Speaker A:You win this, you got the best.
Speaker C:Lightning McQueen in size 13, but made it mayta.
Speaker C:Definitely.
Speaker A:Oh my gosh.
Speaker D:That's.
Speaker A:That's crazy.
Speaker A:I was gonna see if we took my daughter roller skating at this little place we have down here and I was like, you know, the funniest thing would be to ask CJ3D print her some.
Speaker A:Was it some spurs for the back of her skates?
Speaker B:Hell yeah.
Speaker A:I don't know how well that would play there though.
Speaker E:Now that it's back up and running, I can definitely find a way to try and make that happen.
Speaker A:Okay, we're gonna drill them into the back of her skates.
Speaker A:These hurt my feet.
Speaker A:You wanna look cool or you wanna be a nerd?
Speaker A:No child of mine's gonna be a nerd.
Speaker A:All right, cj, what's your, what's your Walkout.
Speaker B:Great song.
Speaker E:I'm trying to remember which ones I've done.
Speaker A:You did a lot of Lorna Shore.
Speaker E:Okay, then let's do a Lamb of God Walk With Me in Hell.
Speaker A:I think you've done that, too.
Speaker E:Okay, then.
Speaker A:You gotta go deep out of pocket for this, because remember, we're.
Speaker A:This is the fourth season we've been doing this.
Speaker A:You've done a lot of these songs already, my guy.
Speaker E:Cradle of Filth, from the Cradle to Enslaved.
Speaker E:Okay, I know I haven't done that one.
Speaker A:I don't think.
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm scrolling.
Speaker A:I was like, what?
Speaker B:Which one?
Speaker A:I don't know what I would do.
Speaker A:I do Smoking out the Window by Bruno Mars and Anderson Peck.
Speaker A:Solid Joint Silk Sonic.
Speaker A:Hell, yeah.
Speaker A:I'd come out smoking a cigarette, too, in a.
Speaker A:What is it?
Speaker A:Crushed velvet suits?
Speaker A:I'm just hoping we're not playing, like, a Tucson Comic Con or.
Speaker A:Because that's just gonna be hot.
Speaker A:And sweat through it.
Speaker E:It'll only be, like, 118 by the time Comic Con comes around.
Speaker A:Gross.
Speaker E:All right, I. I waited for the Slipknot show for six hours in that heat just to make sure I was first in line.
Speaker A:Man, I wouldn't even wait for my mama in that heat.
Speaker A:I'm like, sorry, you're walking, but if I'm waiting in that 110, mom, you're walking home.
Speaker A:All right, guys, so we're gonna go ahead and roll our beautiful D20 collab with reps and respawn dice to see who goes first.
Speaker A:You guys call it evens or odds?
Speaker C:Odds.
Speaker C:Oh, evens, then.
Speaker C:I'll take evens.
Speaker D:All right, cj, Rudy, do either of you have a coin to flip to figure out which game he's gonna get?
Speaker A:I was gonna say have them.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, I got one, too.
Speaker A:Go ahead, cj.
Speaker A:That's all you probably got one.
Speaker A:Engraved coins.
Speaker E:All right, what you calling heads or tails?
Speaker C:Well, tails.
Speaker D:Okay.
Speaker E:Or does he.
Speaker D:I was thinking one and two.
Speaker D:Since we're down to the last two games.
Speaker D:One game would be heads.
Speaker D:One game would be tails.
Speaker E:Okay, so it was tails.
Speaker D:All right, that is going to be Andre.
Speaker D:Are you ready?
Speaker D:Drum roll, please.
Speaker D:Your game is going to be the worst adventuring party.
Speaker D:So you guys are going to take turns building the absolute worst party possible.
Speaker D:We're going to give you a roll that a member needs to fill, and you're going to describe, like, their race, their class, and some weird quirk about them.
Speaker D:So, for example, if the role is spellcaster, you would say something like, it's a wizard, but he's illiterate, so he can't read his spell.
Speaker D:You know, we're gonna go back and forth until you guys have a party built up, and then we're gonna have a couple bonus questions.
Speaker D:And whoever has the worst party or the most entertaining party is gonna win the point.
Speaker D:Okay, Andre, since your game, you're gonna start.
Speaker C:Ladies first.
Speaker D:It's your game, bro.
Speaker A:I say since he won, we should let him do the flip on it.
Speaker A:He should be able to call it.
Speaker D:Okay, you ready?
Speaker D:You're gonna start.
Speaker D:And your role that you have to fill is a tank.
Speaker B:Tank.
Speaker B:Okay, all right.
Speaker A:Solid.
Speaker E:Solid.
Speaker D:We're stank imaginable.
Speaker B:Okay, so, okay, a loxodon, and.
Speaker B:He's a pro wrestler, but he is a pacifist and doesn't like violence and loves to go to pride parades and support everyone.
Speaker C:Okay, Someone's awesome.
Speaker D:As a tank.
Speaker D:You know, he'd be taking it, so, you know, if it's.
Speaker A:God damn, I caught that one.
Speaker D:Okay, Andre, who's your tank?
Speaker C:Oh, just the.
Speaker C:I would go Worst party, right?
Speaker D:Worst.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:A halfling wizard who learned the shield spell but keeps using the reaction for something else.
Speaker D:I actually kind of like that.
Speaker D:Rudy, are you writing these down?
Speaker D:Are you whiteboarding them?
Speaker A:Totally.
Speaker D:Man, we're gonna get lost.
Speaker A:I did not write any of this down.
Speaker A:I was drawn.
Speaker D:All right, Joe, next party member is gonna be your healer.
Speaker E:Whose party member were you drawing?
Speaker A:You mind your business on who I was drawing.
Speaker C:We just looked down, and there's a cj.
Speaker A:It was a CJ wearing a Viking helmet.
Speaker B:A Viking helmet?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Okay, so it is a elf druid, but their method of delivery is more, like, aggressive, unlicensed, and, like, very.
Speaker B:They focus around acupuncture using giant porcupine quills and cactus needles.
Speaker B:But they are convinced that, like, pain is just bad energy leaving people's bodies.
Speaker B:And they actually don't have a single clue about body anatomy on anyone.
Speaker B:So they're just sticking their porcupine quills in everywhere, trying to balance everyone's chakras.
Speaker D:Jesus, I have a broken arm.
Speaker A:Not anymore.
Speaker E:Boink.
Speaker C:In my case, this is sort of a character that I have played, an aerocockra rogue called Albert Ross, who, when you go down, he just rifles through your pockets.
Speaker C:And if you do have a health potion, he will drink it and then start a baby bird feed.
Speaker A:Oh, man.
Speaker A:He's your.
Speaker C:To get your back up.
Speaker A:Okay, okay, guys, hold on.
Speaker A:Hear me out.
Speaker A:Hear me out.
Speaker A:I just thought of something, because I have no idea how to summarize these characters, it's a lot of information going in.
Speaker A:What if we vote for the character as they're going to see which is the worst, and we'll just give points from there?
Speaker A:Okay, I wanna.
Speaker A:I wanna see how many points we can rack up.
Speaker D:Okay, so for the tank, it was between the Luxadon and,.
Speaker C:I think, a halfling.
Speaker D:The halfling.
Speaker D:That halfling wizard.
Speaker E:Yep.
Speaker A:Yeah, I'll go halfling wizard.
Speaker A:But for the healer, I'm gonna go the druid that just acupunctures you for no reason.
Speaker A:I gotta give the point that Alice shows.
Speaker A:That's pretty.
Speaker A:My arm's broken.
Speaker A:They just break it in the other side.
Speaker A:They break it at an angle.
Speaker E:Now, we know you're also a little biased because you love druids, but we'll let it slide.
Speaker E:It's okay.
Speaker E:It's okay.
Speaker A:Crazy.
Speaker D:Nature boy.
Speaker A:Nature boy.
Speaker E:Ric Flair.
Speaker A:All right, other two judges.
Speaker A:Who you voting for?
Speaker A:For the healer?
Speaker D:I. I kind of like the.
Speaker D:The baby bird.
Speaker D:And rogue, he doesn't heal it.
Speaker D:He just steals from you.
Speaker D:Like, if you have a potion, you get healed.
Speaker D:If you don't, well, you know, you're just.
Speaker E:Damn it.
Speaker A:You would leave it to me.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's what we went first.
Speaker A:We're putting the pressure on you, baby.
Speaker E:See, and that's where.
Speaker E:I've never been a fan of playing druids, but that one sounds pretty hilarious.
Speaker E:I've always played rogues.
Speaker E:I love playing rogues.
Speaker E:I love having sticky fingers in dnd, But I'm trying to move away from that when I can to broaden my knowledge and play style.
Speaker E:But that one is fucking hilarious, too.
Speaker E:You know what?
Speaker E:It's gonna go to the luck of the coin, so.
Speaker D:So I can visualize it a little better.
Speaker D:What flavor of Eric Cocker?
Speaker D:Is it like a crow or like.
Speaker C:It is I.
Speaker C:His name is Albert Ross.
Speaker C:So it is an albatross.
Speaker D:Oh, come on, man.
Speaker A:You missed that.
Speaker D:Come on, bro.
Speaker A:It's right there.
Speaker D:No, not the punch.
Speaker D:I love it.
Speaker C:There's this giant.
Speaker D:Come on, bro.
Speaker A:It was right in front of you.
Speaker A:What kind of bird?
Speaker A:I was like, albatross, dog.
Speaker A:It's in the name.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker D:Birds.
Speaker D:Birds aren't real.
Speaker D:Birds are not real.
Speaker D:So, you know, I feel that.
Speaker B:I feel that.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker E:So who.
Speaker E:Who's going heads?
Speaker E:Who's going tails?
Speaker A:I don't know, man.
Speaker A:I think you should have to vote for it.
Speaker A:You made us vote for it.
Speaker E:I didn't make you do anything.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker A:I'm flipping coins for everything.
Speaker A:From now on,.
Speaker E:I will say this one just because goes more with the new kind of playstyle I'm going for.
Speaker E:I would have to say the druid.
Speaker A:Imagine if he goes either.
Speaker E:If it wasn't for that.
Speaker E:If it wasn't for that and I was still in my old I'm gonna steal all the time.
Speaker E:I would have totally sided with Andre's character, because that's some that I would do.
Speaker A:I was so close to game just because of the pun.
Speaker A:I was like, I look a good pun.
Speaker D:It just kind of lands in the middle, like, on the edge.
Speaker D:All right, Joe, the next one is your damage dealer who's damaged dps.
Speaker A:Okay, I thought you said CPS is like child protective Services.
Speaker D:That's damage.
Speaker D:That's damaging.
Speaker A:That's emotional more than physical.
Speaker E:Okay, Emotional damage.
Speaker B:An orc evocation wizard.
Speaker B:And they carry around, like, a massive backpack full of scrolls and spell books, but they think reading is like, an entire, like, conspiracy theory invented by elves to weaken your eyesight.
Speaker B:So they don't cast spells by reading anything.
Speaker B:They don't read incantations or shit.
Speaker B:They look at the pictures in a spell book.
Speaker B:Guess what the spell does, and then physically eat the page to absorb the power.
Speaker B:And if they want to cast fireball, they tear out the page, chew it up like bubblegum, and spit it out at their enemy.
Speaker D:I like it.
Speaker B:They're kind of gross too.
Speaker C:Oh, in my case, a grown monk who is mostly trying to, like, disarm people, but is poison touch.
Speaker C:And, like, bullet hands keep hitting people real hard and poisoning them at the same time as he tries to, like, wrestle weapons out of the hand.
Speaker D:Where's the drawback, my dude?
Speaker D:That sounds sick.
Speaker A:He's like, you have one solid party.
Speaker C:Member going through our lot right now.
Speaker D:He's not actually bad at his job.
Speaker D:He's just a little depressed.
Speaker D:Like, Jesus.
Speaker A:Okay, Dante, who are you giving the point to that on that one?
Speaker D:I think I gotta go with the orc who can't read.
Speaker B:I love that trope.
Speaker B:It's a good trope.
Speaker E:That's a good one.
Speaker E:I think I gotta go with Dante on that one.
Speaker E:Just because orcs that can't read are funny.
Speaker E:Orcs.
Speaker D:Spitball.
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm gonna go orc on that one.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker D:Who is your charismatic leader of the party?
Speaker D:Joe.
Speaker B:Okay, Okay.
Speaker B:So, like, a changeling oath of redemption.
Speaker B:Kind of piloted.
Speaker B:And they're extremely toxic, though.
Speaker B:Like, super toxic.
Speaker B:Like, passive aggressive.
Speaker B:They refuse to accept that anyone's actually evil, and they treat Every, like, brutal monster encounter, like a corporate human resource dispute.
Speaker B:So, like, when, I don't know, like a.
Speaker B:Like a mindless, bloodthirsty gelatinous cube starts dissolving a wizard's boot, the paladin steps in front of it, puts up his hand and says, let's talk about it.
Speaker B:You know, like, why are we expressing our frustration with acid today?
Speaker B:You know, that kind of vibe.
Speaker B:And, you know, they'll sit them down and be like, so, like, what does your inner child think about this situation?
Speaker B:Meanwhile, the rest of the party are trying not to die.
Speaker A:Therapy.
Speaker A:Therapy.
Speaker D:Not Audrey.
Speaker C:A Tiefling warlock whose favorite line is, do you know who my father is?
Speaker A:God damn it, my dad.
Speaker A:By all of this, you.
Speaker A:You don't know who you're messing with.
Speaker E:I gotta go with that one.
Speaker E:Just because living in China, we were.
Speaker A:Able to pull that card all the.
Speaker E:Time with people we knew to get out of shit.
Speaker A:My father, James Warlock ii.
Speaker D:I feel like trying to do that in China is how you get kidnapped by the secret police.
Speaker E:No, there it really is about who you know.
Speaker E:Like this, this dude had married that we met him and his wife, she was Chinese.
Speaker E:He was, I think from like, he was Pakistan, American something.
Speaker E:But they got married.
Speaker E:He had gotten like three speeding tickets back to back and was going to be in deep.
Speaker E:And her mom worked high up in the police department, so she talked to her and magically they didn't exist anymore and it didn't matter.
Speaker D:Damn.
Speaker A:Okay, you know what?
Speaker A:I'm gonna go.
Speaker A:I'm gonna give my point to nepotism.
Speaker A:Warlock.
Speaker C:Oh, God.
Speaker A:The net block.
Speaker D:The new power build.
Speaker D:Not the store lock anymore.
Speaker D:It's the nep lock.
Speaker A:I gotta get my point there.
Speaker A:That's hilarious.
Speaker A:Nepotism is the funniest thing to just be in dnd.
Speaker D:Do you know who my patron is?
Speaker A:He's gonna be so mad.
Speaker D:I'm telling God.
Speaker C:Your invocation, Daddy.
Speaker E:My.
Speaker E:My patron can kick your patron's ass any day.
Speaker C:This might be pandering because Dante's name is literally Demon Daddy.
Speaker D:All right, Our last party member is going to be your quirky little mascot pal.
Speaker D:What do you got, Joe?
Speaker D:Okay.
Speaker B:Quirky little mascot.
Speaker B:I do love a mascot.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker B:My party are suckers for, like, in my actual D and D games, they collect everything, every little thing, Okay?
Speaker B:A goblin, like artillerist, artificer.
Speaker B:And they.
Speaker B:And they have.
Speaker B:They basically, like, they want to be the party leader.
Speaker B:They're trying really hard to kind of take over that role because they found some sort of like magical laser staff.
Speaker B:But everyone's too terrified of getting blown up to argue with them, so they carry this thing around.
Speaker B:But they have zero tactical awareness and they lead the party purely based on shiny objects.
Speaker B:So they like to sit on top of the tallest person in the party and all they do is scream like, we go there now.
Speaker B:Shoot pretty lights.
Speaker B:And then if the party tries to have, like, a serious strategy meeting, the goblin just starts building like a small, chaotic, mechanical turret that plays circus music.
Speaker D:I fucking love it.
Speaker B:I have to make him now.
Speaker D:His name is gizmo.
Speaker D:Gizmo McBoom boom or something.
Speaker B:I love that.
Speaker D:All right, Andre, what do you got?
Speaker C:God, this is actually terrible.
Speaker C:Just a Kenku that just says its name over and over again like a Pokemon.
Speaker C:And that's it as as far as I went.
Speaker C:My second thing was just going to say Pikachu.
Speaker A:But no, hold on, hold on.
Speaker A:This is a great.
Speaker A:This is a great build off.
Speaker A:What's his name?
Speaker C:Pikachu.
Speaker D:The Cancun's name is Pikachu.
Speaker D:Pikachu.
Speaker C:Oh, man.
Speaker D:Nintendo Incorporated would like to have a chat with you.
Speaker B:Cease and desist on its own.
Speaker A:Would have just been like, his name's Kevin.
Speaker A:So he just goes around yelling Kevin all the time.
Speaker D:Gavin described what happened to cause the last TPK for you guys.
Speaker D:Joe.
Speaker B:Oh,.
Speaker C:Have to remember any characters for this.
Speaker B:I know.
Speaker B:I'm like, oh.
Speaker B:I'm like.
Speaker B:With all those members.
Speaker B:I'm like, holy.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:They're all in a, like, therapists room and they're all sitting on, like, the little chairs.
Speaker B:And the therapist of the party is trying to get everyone to expose their deep, deep trauma.
Speaker B:And it turns out that the goblin was one of their dads and it just completely torn the poor.
Speaker B:I don't remember the other characters.
Speaker B:One of them and half.
Speaker B:He burst into a fit of rage and slaughtered everyone inside of the therapist's room.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker A:Jesus.
Speaker A:That's all.
Speaker B:That's all I could think of.
Speaker A:Like, I wasn't even in battle.
Speaker A:Just a.
Speaker A:We're going to go to therapy and we're going to become a stronger unit.
Speaker A:Nope, nope.
Speaker B:The Goblin's your daddy.
Speaker D:He got that McBoom boom, man.
Speaker D:You know what I'm saying?
Speaker C:What would cause a TPK is them going into a dungeon that the T fing warlock convinces them is to their level and that they can definitely handle the healer, I think, which is the roll call from baby birds into your mouth, unfortunately goes down first trying to disable that trap.
Speaker C:The halfling wizard Tank, I think, helps them tank some of the damage and also goes down while the mascot alerts the team for help, but while doing so, triggers another trap, I think.
Speaker C:The Tiefling Warlock, who got everybody in the situation true to form, shows up late and then realizes what is happening and just caused their dad to bail them out.
Speaker C:While the rest of them TPKs.
Speaker D:Rest in peace, Kevin.
Speaker D:You're too good for this world, Kevin.
Speaker A:His voice.
Speaker A:Oh, he's the fucking squeaky voice.
Speaker A:Good job, cj.
Speaker A:That's fucking solid.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker A:Who you guys giving the win on the TPK on that one?
Speaker D:I think I gotta go therapist.
Speaker C:Office.
Speaker A:Yeah, I gotta go therapist on that one, too.
Speaker A:That was great.
Speaker E:That was a good one.
Speaker B:What a place to die.
Speaker A:And also nepotism.
Speaker B:And that.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker E:All right, now imagine if she had to try and treat the nepotism.
Speaker B:See?
Speaker A:Can't be done.
Speaker B:See?
Speaker D:Layers.
Speaker E:If you keep telling me I can't do this, I will call my dad.
Speaker C:Who is paying for these owas anyway?
Speaker A:You want to try to fix this?
Speaker D:Huh?
Speaker A:My dad's paying for all of this.
Speaker A:You know, just do whatever he says.
Speaker A:He's a new party leader.
Speaker D:All right.
Speaker D:For the last one, I hate to derail it because we kind of already touched on it, so you can't use this one.
Speaker D:Andre, who is your party's greatest nemesis?
Speaker C:Oh, damn.
Speaker C:So I can't use Nintendo.
Speaker C:Who is Swiss?
Speaker D:Sorry.
Speaker C:Pikachu.
Speaker C:Damn.
Speaker C:This is why you hold your jokes close to the hip.
Speaker C:You don't just set him early.
Speaker C:I think the second greatest nemesis would be.
Speaker C:I don't know what y' all version of the tax authority.
Speaker C:There's the local tax authority.
Speaker E:Irs.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker E:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker E:That's all we have is just irs.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker C:Trying to get both the Rogue and the T Fling to, like, cough up back taxes.
Speaker C:Also, they burnt down on our furniture or something.
Speaker C:It's just local.
Speaker A:It's not even, like, a great thing.
Speaker A:It's just like, the local tax code and, like, hey, do you know who my father is?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:That's why we're coming after you.
Speaker A:We know you didn't pay any taxes.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker E:With it.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:All right, Joe.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:The party's nemesis.
Speaker B:I'm gonna have to do it.
Speaker B:Adore the therapist's door.
Speaker B:Once you go in, you might not come out the same.
Speaker D:Or at all.
Speaker B:Or ever again.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:That's all I got.
Speaker E:Okay.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker D:I love that.
Speaker D:Just because of the implication, but just a bunch of wackos running away from the irs.
Speaker D:That.
Speaker D:That's got it for me.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I'm gonna go irs.
Speaker A:I'm gonna go tax evasion, too.
Speaker D:You got.
Speaker D:You got to go tax creation.
Speaker E:If you live in the U.S. if you live in the U.S. there's only a few things that you fear.
Speaker E:Nuclear war and the irs.
Speaker A:Only two things I fear death and the irs.
Speaker C:Rogues at seventh level get evasion.
Speaker C:And then I don't know that.
Speaker A:I don't know if that crosses over into taxes.
Speaker A:He's get evasion.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker A:I don't think that's taxes.
Speaker A:That's what they're coming after.
Speaker A:God.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I'm giving the point.
Speaker A:Tax evading rope.
Speaker A:I feel like that's.
Speaker A:That's what's called.
Speaker E:That's.
Speaker A:That's subtext there.
Speaker A:I feel like if you're a rogue, you never pay taxes.
Speaker A:I feel it's just a thing.
Speaker A:I feel like that should be, like a flavor thing, like.
Speaker A:Oh, Drew.
Speaker A:It's like they're intact with plan.
Speaker A:It's just something everybody knows.
Speaker A:Rogues don't pay taxes.
Speaker C:Rogues.
Speaker E:I mean, that sounds about right.
Speaker A:Barbarians smash.
Speaker A:Rogues evade.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker E:Everything, including their exes and taxes.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:All right, Dante, you got the next game ready?
Speaker D:Oh, man.
Speaker D:So this one, I'm gonna paint a little picture.
Speaker D:So, guys, just.
Speaker D:Just hang out for a second while I do my thing, all right?
Speaker D:Joe, Andre, Cook, you guys are adventurers you met up in a tavern.
Speaker D:You don't really know each other too well.
Speaker D:You just know that you're exploring the world, just trying to see what's out there, trying to get rich, make a name for yourself, and live life well, right?
Speaker D:So you've gone through a couple adventures.
Speaker D:You still aren't super familiar with each other.
Speaker D:You're not like friends, per se, but you're okay with each other.
Speaker D:Your adventure has led you to a small, poor, remote village.
Speaker D:You're in the tavern again, looking for gossip on what might be happening in the area around you.
Speaker D:To figure out what you want to do next, the villagers mention some caves to the east.
Speaker D:That loud rumbling has been heard.
Speaker D:Parties have gone to try and explore and investigate.
Speaker D:Nobody has returned.
Speaker D:You guys are the courageous adventurers who are going to take that step next.
Speaker D:So you head to the east, you get to the caves, and for the most part, it's really uneventful.
Speaker D:It's mostly just a bunch of hallways.
Speaker D:Dim torch lights, couple skeletons, a couple loose bags of coins.
Speaker D:Nothing impressive.
Speaker D:Until you come down a long, winding hallway, and ahead of you is a doorway that opens into what you can tell is a massive, absolutely massive cavern.
Speaker D:You both step forward.
Speaker D:There's a torch on either side of you, and through the dim torchlight you can see more treasure than any of you could have ever imagined.
Speaker D:The torchlight glinting off of the gold, jewels, crowns, scepters, anything you can imagine.
Speaker D:Mountains of it.
Speaker D:You step forward into the middle and you hear a loud scraping noise.
Speaker D:And then the light behind you vanishes and you're in pitch black.
Speaker D:You hear a loud thunderous voice that says, welcome adventurers.
Speaker D:You've done well to make it this far.
Speaker D:Your courage, your skill and your bravery is a testament to who you are.
Speaker D:However, although you get these accolades from me, I will also condemn your actions.
Speaker D:One of you will not leave this chamber.
Speaker D:And ahead of you you see six large, glowing sickly green eyes appear, hovering.
Speaker D:At this point, you.
Speaker D:One of you produces a light source and you turn around to try and run.
Speaker D:And you realize that scraping noise you'd heard before were two massive claws blocking your only exit.
Speaker D:You then turn around and see a massive, the size of a castle.
Speaker D:Three headed Hydra.
Speaker D:So he then says, I've grown bored over the eons.
Speaker D:You will entertain me.
Speaker D:Only one of you will leave this place alive.
Speaker D:It's between you two to convince me which is which.
Speaker D:So our game is called the Dragon's Den.
Speaker D:You guys are going to take turns trying to convince the three headed dragon, AKA your hosts, which one of you is going to be eaten and who gets to leave.
Speaker C:Luckily, I have dark vision, so I can see all this.
Speaker D:Well, this is Joe's game, so she's gonna go first.
Speaker B:Oh, God,.
Speaker D:Why do we need to eat Andre instead of you?
Speaker E:We are really hungry.
Speaker B:Okay, okay, Listen, listen.
Speaker B:So I'm gonna walk up to it and I'm gonna look the least intimidating ever.
Speaker B:I'm just gonna sit down and cross my legs and I'm just sitting on the floor and I'm gonna pull out the puppy dog eyes and I'm gonna look up.
Speaker B:So like, I feel like I have a really cool accent.
Speaker B:I could entertain you a lot, right?
Speaker B:I could, I could tell you some really cool bedtime stories and.
Speaker B:Hey, listen, I could, I could give you.
Speaker B:I could give you all the discount to haggis if you want to try.
Speaker B:You don't want to try it?
Speaker B:I can get that for you.
Speaker B:That's fine.
Speaker B:This.
Speaker B:This guy over here, like, I don't.
Speaker B:I don't know, he looks like he doesn't digest his food properly, so I wouldn't even risk.
Speaker B:You could use him as A toothpick?
Speaker B:Really?
Speaker B:I mean, so not even going to be worth, you know, killing him, but at the same time, I don't have a lot of goodness.
Speaker B:Okay, You.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:You try.
Speaker B:You try to eat me or kill me.
Speaker B:You know, I'm just.
Speaker B:I'm just going.
Speaker B:I'm just going to.
Speaker B:You know, I'm just going to poison you.
Speaker B:You know, we.
Speaker B:We don't want that.
Speaker B:Nobody wants that.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But also, I'm really cute.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:I could.
Speaker B:I could just, like.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:Do you want.
Speaker B:Do you want me?
Speaker B:I can make you food.
Speaker B:I can make you food.
Speaker B:I can do that.
Speaker B:It might just be haggis and haggis only, but that's fine, right?
Speaker B:Have you ever had neeps?
Speaker B:You ever had neeps?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker C:No.
Speaker B:They're like sweet potatoes, but no, they're really cool.
Speaker B:I can show you them.
Speaker B:But you won't know.
Speaker B:If you kill me, you won't know what neeps are.
Speaker B:You won't know.
Speaker B:So really, it's all brand new stuff.
Speaker B:And I could teach you.
Speaker C:So.
Speaker C:The.
Speaker A:Please at the end,.
Speaker D:You do make a very tempting offer, however.
Speaker D:You threaten to poison us with your flesh.
Speaker D:Us.
Speaker D:The almighty being that's lived for eons.
Speaker D:You think you could harm us?
Speaker B:No, I just wouldn't taste very good if you decided to eat it.
Speaker D:This isn't about taste.
Speaker D:This is about power.
Speaker A:You're acting like we don't have a cabinet full of seasoning salt back there.
Speaker A:Well, think poison will have any effect?
Speaker C:Poison has no effect on them.
Speaker C:Take note.
Speaker C:Oh, I'm so glad you notice.
Speaker C:Other small one is like what they used to call me back in the village, as Joe did say, I am.
Speaker C:Very tiny toothpick even.
Speaker C:Mostly armor at that.
Speaker C:Real hard to take off.
Speaker C:Like, five minutes to done.
Speaker C:Honestly, you imagine having to go through that, get it all up in your teeth.
Speaker C:And as you saw, my compatriot here was ensuring that she saved the life of both of us, which means she's good, which means she also probably tastes good.
Speaker C:I'm chaotic neutral at best.
Speaker D:Yeah.
Speaker C:Also, I'm lactose intolerant, and that is contagious.
Speaker C:So bear that in mind.
Speaker B:I said please.
Speaker A:Damn, he threw you, like, way under the bus.
Speaker C:No, just into the hydra's mouth.
Speaker B:Again, I said please.
Speaker B:I have manners, okay?
Speaker D:Which again, feeds to his point.
Speaker D:You are good.
Speaker B:I can be mean.
Speaker B:How about.
Speaker B:How about I.
Speaker B:How about a little.
Speaker B:How about that?
Speaker C:Spicy?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah, I can be mean.
Speaker B:You want me to be mean?
Speaker B:If that's gonna win you over.
Speaker B:I can be mean.
Speaker B:Is that what you're into?
Speaker B:You into that?
Speaker B:I can do that.
Speaker C:A little spice to eat.
Speaker C:A little session.
Speaker B:See?
Speaker B:See?
Speaker B:Anything you need, I got it.
Speaker B:And haggis, lots of it.
Speaker B:And I'm gonna pull it out of my pocket and just look.
Speaker C:What my plump, well basted, seasoned friend is saying here is you shouldn't eat either of us.
Speaker C:And honestly, I agree, you should let us go.
Speaker C:We'll bring you food.
Speaker C:As a matter of fact, if you lend us those two torches, we can rustle up more adventurous.
Speaker C:What's better if we do go and are like, oh, you know, there's like a ton of treasure in there.
Speaker C:I bet we could get like a line of adventurers coming.
Speaker C:Have y' all ever had like, yeah, you ever had.
Speaker C:Y' all a fan of meat?
Speaker C:What's your favorite meat?
Speaker C:Hydra head in the middle.
Speaker C:All of it.
Speaker A:Cool.
Speaker C:Support beef and chicken.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Have you ever had Druid?
Speaker C:Because that is all of them combined.
Speaker C:There is a Druid in the tavern.
Speaker C:I know would love one of those staffs that you have over there.
Speaker C:If you.
Speaker C:I could just like take a little sketch of that, bring back to the tavern.
Speaker C:I am sure we could rustle up some adventurers for you.
Speaker B:Well, see, the thing is, I don't think his little legs could take him all the way back to the tavern.
Speaker C:You see, he's kind of weak in the edible legs.
Speaker B:Well, I, I feel like they, they're, they're kind of edible.
Speaker B:You know, some people like the little crispy bits.
Speaker B:They're kind of like the little crispy bits on some chicken.
Speaker B:They're pretty good.
Speaker B:So you know, like some crispy chicken skin.
Speaker B:That, that's kind of what the vibes he gives.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:You know that it's.
Speaker B:Who doesn't like a bit of junk food, right?
Speaker B:So you know, I would probably be able to make it all the way back to the tavern and bring a bunch of people here.
Speaker B:Cuz I'm really great at convincing people.
Speaker B:Like I said, his little legs ain't going nowhere.
Speaker B:So you could enjoy that.
Speaker B:See, that's all you're going to get from him.
Speaker B:So I.
Speaker B:You should just kill him.
Speaker B:Now I can go and get some more people, no problem.
Speaker B:I know so many people.
Speaker B:I actually have so many connections.
Speaker B:Like, look, and I pull out my phone and I'm going to show like just.
Speaker B:I'm going to name drop a bunch of celebrities.
Speaker B:Like, hey, look, see, I. I've got Beyonce up in here.
Speaker B:Are you a Sabrina Carpenter fan?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:What about Bob Dylan.
Speaker B:I got that.
Speaker B:I got Bob Dylan.
Speaker C:Carpenter is just a carpenter in the village.
Speaker B:He doesn't need to know that.
Speaker B:Shut up there.
Speaker B:Anyone?
Speaker B:Anyone you want?
Speaker B:I have Bob.
Speaker B:The guy who owns the tavern.
Speaker B:He's a pretty cool dude.
Speaker B:He can get discount on drinks.
Speaker C:Speaking of juice, do you still have all the mead that we were carrying in your bag of holding?
Speaker B:Me?
Speaker C:Yeah, something to wash it down.
Speaker B:I mean, it depends.
Speaker B:Do you.
Speaker B:Would you guys like some meat?
Speaker B:All of you?
Speaker B:Would you like some.
Speaker A:Is that what you call the poison?
Speaker B:No, no, no, no.
Speaker B:It's actually in his bag of holding.
Speaker B:He has all of them.
Speaker B:So if you really, really exact.
Speaker B:No, I have no poison.
Speaker B:No poison.
Speaker B:I don't have any poison unless it's on my skin.
Speaker B:So it's not very good.
Speaker B:It's kind of like really, really bad old out of day moisturizer.
Speaker B:So I recommend not.
Speaker B:It probably just a little bit kind of like like vinegar.
Speaker B:So it probably ain't nice, you know.
Speaker B:But he has all the meat, so this is human.
Speaker A:Gentlemen, let me just remind you.
Speaker A:He said he has all the poison.
Speaker A:She said she has none.
Speaker A:Non poisoned meat has to taste better.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker C:That does check out.
Speaker B:What if I just.
Speaker B:What if I.
Speaker B:And I just shit myself?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And while she's shitting herself, I reach into like my bag of holding and like take out a crossbow and I'm like, eat this.
Speaker C:And then we roll for initiative.
Speaker D:Well, unfortunately, this does not bode well for you.
Speaker B:Oh, God.
Speaker C:What?
Speaker D:He is the size of a mountain.
Speaker D:A castle.
Speaker D:You're.
Speaker C:I wanted to do it because it sounded cool.
Speaker D:I'll.
Speaker C:I'll die on this hill.
Speaker C:It's fine.
Speaker D:All right, brothers, what say you?
Speaker D:Who will take their final breath here and who will live to tell another tale?
Speaker B:I said please, and he started initiative.
Speaker B:Just saying.
Speaker A:That is fair.
Speaker C:Hey, she has a preteen the stomach, so all my is still in me.
Speaker A:The hair flip though,.
Speaker D:Weird flex, but okay.
Speaker A:It's like deveining a shrimp.
Speaker A:But yeah, she just did.
Speaker C:She did all the work that I have.
Speaker C:Like, oh, you have to stake maybe a cricket artist if you're going to cook it to get the poop out.
Speaker C:Like, she's pre shook.
Speaker C:Pre pooped.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker C:Cj.
Speaker A:Who are we eating?
Speaker E:That was perfect.
Speaker E:This is a tough one because yes, he did.
Speaker E:He did start initiative, so that would make me more inclined to want to eat.
Speaker E:I don't know how dragons or ancient ones or anyone at that fact that is not of a human species feels about just Eating their prey whole.
Speaker E:I don't know if they'd care if the shit's inside or on the outside.
Speaker A:I feel like you don't see many fucking movies where, like, the dragon eats them.
Speaker A:Like, oh, wait, hold on.
Speaker A:He spits them out and he fucking slices them open.
Speaker A:And just this finger just cleans up the stomach.
Speaker A:I don't think they're doing it.
Speaker D:I mean, I really love Joe's scrambly, ranty, panicky.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker D:Presentation.
Speaker D:But to the counterpoint, dragons are, like, prideful creatures.
Speaker D:So the fact that he would try and attack the monster, I feel like he would be, like, amused by it.
Speaker D:Like, halfway proud of him.
Speaker D:Almost.
Speaker E:Kind of having a.
Speaker E:An ounce of respect for something that would normally just run away.
Speaker D:Because, like he said, you know, this isn't about actually eating you.
Speaker D:This is about entertainment that's entertaining.
Speaker A:Are you not entertained?
Speaker D:It just bounces off his floor.
Speaker B:I thought my haggis was fun.
Speaker B:I thought you could have, like, unlimited haggis, man.
Speaker B:That's fun.
Speaker D:Nobody in the.
Speaker D:In the entire history of mankind has ever said haggis is fun.
Speaker C:I don't know why you would start off threatening the dragon with my own.
Speaker E:I've never had it.
Speaker E:I've actually never had it.
Speaker A:The poison is the haggis we made along the way.
Speaker C:And then come out.
Speaker A:Okay, okay, so who are we eating?
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker D:It's so hard.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker E:This is genuinely a tough one.
Speaker A:It really is that.
Speaker A:I don't know, man.
Speaker A:Poison.
Speaker A:He's got all the poison, but she has all the haggis.
Speaker A:I feel like either way, it's not going great for our stomachs.
Speaker E:Well, I mean, regardless, I. I don't think there's much poison that would affect something our size.
Speaker E:So at this point.
Speaker C:Contagious lactose in the.
Speaker E:I'm down to say we eat them both.
Speaker E:That's a risk I'm willing to take.
Speaker D:The twist.
Speaker D:That was the game all along.
Speaker A:Yep, we eat them.
Speaker A:Both.
Speaker E:Of you.
Speaker A:It was.
Speaker A:I'll give a point to both, but that was hard to pick.
Speaker A:I know it feels like a cop out, but that was a really hard choice to make.
Speaker A:All right, so point to each of you guys.
Speaker E:No, there's no way.
Speaker E:It could have been because they each had their.
Speaker E:Their quirks and points to everything that they were coming up with.
Speaker E:Like, it was kind of just the way of bouncing back and forth.
Speaker E:It was just too damn good.
Speaker D:Although we have to be very careful when we eat Joe, because I want that phone.
Speaker D:We are gonna meet Sabrina Carpenter.
Speaker A:No, it's Sabrina the Carpenter.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker A:It's just a.
Speaker A:It's just a dwarf.
Speaker D:Better.
Speaker A:This is a dwarf in the city with like Sabrina Carpenter hair and just like a giant orange beard.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Let me write that down.
Speaker A:Sabrina the Carpenter.
Speaker D:Solid.
Speaker D:They're an artificer that specializes in like woodworking mechanics.
Speaker A:He's a.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:He's a blacksmith.
Speaker A:And every time you go for a weapon, be like, well, what do you got?
Speaker A:I have a sword.
Speaker A:It's like, do you have something else?
Speaker A:Have you ever tried this one?
Speaker A:And pulls out a different sword.
Speaker A:Thank you for the one person that got that joke.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker C:Yeah, I did this.
Speaker D:Terrible.
Speaker B:See, this is why I should have got the point.
Speaker B:You'll be the only one.
Speaker A:That's what you should eat him.
Speaker A:He doesn't get the jokes.
Speaker C:All right, somebody bland and tasteless.
Speaker E:Neither did I. Jesus.
Speaker A:All right, so that ends the game.
Speaker A:And that brings us to the end of this episode.
Speaker A:We're gonna dish out some points here.
Speaker A:Someone give me a drum roll.
Speaker C:Oh,.
Speaker B:All right.
Speaker A:So we end the episode.
Speaker A:Was that we end the episode.
Speaker A:Joe, you have four points.
Speaker A:Andre, you have six.
Speaker A:Andre, you are the winner of our episode and you are moving on to the final.
Speaker A:Congratulations.
Speaker D:Oh,.
Speaker A:I mean, you got eaten by the dragon.
Speaker A:I don't think you can.
Speaker B:No, that's true.
Speaker E:Then technically neither of them can.
Speaker A:How are we gonna do the final exactly?
Speaker D:Raise the other side.
Speaker A:On this side are already one.
Speaker A:There's an automatic one up for the other side.
Speaker C:I come crawling off the other side of the hydra because it is no lactose.
Speaker A:Oh, no.
Speaker A:Oh, geez.
Speaker A:All right, so that brings to the end.
Speaker A:Andre, we will see you next episode where you will play the left side of the brackets winner, Lilith.
Speaker A:So on the finals.
Speaker A:This is going to be super fun.
Speaker A:Can't wait to see this.
Speaker A:Do you guys have anything you need to plug before we go?
Speaker D:The dragon.
Speaker A:Terrible.
Speaker A:Terrible.
Speaker B:It's me.
Speaker B:It's just.
Speaker B:It's just me.
Speaker B:Like he.
Speaker B:He finishes out Andre because of lactose and then there's just like me and all my armor.
Speaker B:I just become his butt plug and I'm just stuck there for like eternity.
Speaker D:Exciting.
Speaker B:That's my fate.
Speaker B:Listen, if I was gonna die, it was gonna be a one way and I'd rather it was coming out that way.
Speaker E:And you never know, maybe one day he'll get backed up.
Speaker E:Backed up enough that you'll be free.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker D:I love how we ended the last semi final episode with Plug talk as well.
Speaker A:That's a very Recurring theme here.
Speaker E:God damn it, Dante.
Speaker E:You're rubbing off on everybody.
Speaker A:That's later, baby.
Speaker A:And we'll segue with that into our new sponsor, Pablo's plugs.
Speaker A:Check them out.
Speaker D:Collab plug one and done.
Speaker A:Yeah, terrible.
Speaker E:The only plug you'll ever need.
Speaker A:Jesus, Joe.
Speaker C:This was awesome.
Speaker C:I had no idea that I.
Speaker C:The points where you.
Speaker C:I thought you were way ahead of me.
Speaker C:I love D Circus.
Speaker C:The layout and everything that you have set up is real cool.
Speaker B:Oh thanks.
Speaker C:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker D:Little.
Speaker C:I'm the cast.
Speaker D:The.
Speaker A:We make a collab T shirt with dicer.
Speaker A:Because that just says that just.
Speaker A:The T shirt just says little and that's it.
Speaker B:Yes we can.
Speaker A:It's a D20 so it looks like it rolled on a one and just a little.
Speaker A:Or can we make that dice the Barbie?
Speaker B:I can do the bar.
Speaker A:Yeah, solid.
Speaker B:I need that.
Speaker B:I. I'm the artist.
Speaker B:Well, one of the artists in the group.
Speaker B:So I'm going to.
Speaker B:You damn right.
Speaker B:I'm going to slap that on the T shirt.
Speaker A:Hell yeah.
Speaker B:I. I want it now.
Speaker B:But no.
Speaker B:Congrats, Andre.
Speaker B:It's been great playing with you.
Speaker B:You deserve it.
Speaker B:You did.
Speaker B:You did really fucking well, dude.
Speaker B:And yeah, I'm super excited to see.
Speaker B:To see the finals and.
Speaker B:And yeah, I wish you all the best and I hope to see you sometime.
Speaker B:Pop into the Die Circus, come say hi.
Speaker B:You know.
Speaker B:You know we'd love to.
Speaker B:We'd love to have you on if you want to come and play an npc.
Speaker C:Because I will.
Speaker D:I'll show up.
Speaker B:No, we would love it.
Speaker B:We absolutely love that.
Speaker B:But yeah, we're live tomorrow, 6pm UK time.
Speaker B:We are doing some crazy shit over at the Thai Circus.
Speaker B:We are wrapping up for June because I'm going to be away all of July.
Speaker B:So my lovely team are going to be handling pretty much everything while I'm gone.
Speaker B:So hopefully it doesn't crash and burn.
Speaker B:It should be fine.
Speaker B:We shall see.
Speaker A:I'm going to spam your.
Speaker A:I'm going to spam your guys account.
Speaker B:Do it.
Speaker A:I'm going to do it.
Speaker A:Just.
Speaker A:I'm going to make a bunch of burner accounts and just send one worded messages and you guys have to combine them to make one giant message.
Speaker B:Listen, that's fine as long as you just drop the follows.
Speaker B:That'd be great.
Speaker B:Just keep on.
Speaker B:Hell yeah.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:One word message in the form of comments.
Speaker C:Sure.
Speaker B:But yeah, we're going to be.
Speaker B:I'm going to be away for that amount of time.
Speaker B:So the Die Circus campaign will be paused for July.
Speaker B:But then we come back and do our second act in the beginning of August.
Speaker B:But we will still be live and doing things even when I'm away.
Speaker B:We have a bunch of stuff like extra streams planned that my team are gonna run so I don't have to worry about it because I'm gonna be on a cruise in the middle of the freaking med.
Speaker B:So if you need me, don't they they.
Speaker B:But, but yeah, my team are gonna be kind of running some fun things we do have at the end of June, the last Sunday in June, we have our pride stream, which is basically going to be like the Bachelorette meets like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Speaker B:Like it's gonna be a bunch of bullshit and it's not me hosting it.
Speaker B:I actually get to play.
Speaker B:And it's not just D and D focused.
Speaker B:It will be other things.
Speaker B:So we are going to have Xavian, he is going to be hosting it and I'm terrified for what he comes up with, but I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun.
Speaker B:So yeah, Andre, honestly, anytime, you know, you've got my socials, we can, you know, try and get you on the Dice Circus for like a little guest thing.
Speaker B:We'd love to have you there and yeah, I would love to see you to see you win in the finals.
Speaker B:That'd be great.
Speaker C:Hey, thank you so much.
Speaker C:I am Andre of Tabletop Jamaica.
Speaker C:We play well.
Speaker C:We used to play Dungeons and Dragons pretty regularly, but now we are branching out into our own Caribbean folklore themed game, Duppies and Gunmen.
Speaker C:So we've been doing uploads of that as well as some other actual plays of other tabletop RPGs when we get the chance.
Speaker C:So you can follow us on Instagram, check us out on YouTube and yeah, so can check us out on puppies on gunmen.com as well.
Speaker A:Solid, Solid.
Speaker A:And then on our end, if you guys want to hear more from me, Dante and cj, just our random, go ahead and check us out on chat one and done where you guys are listening right now.
Speaker A:Go ahead and check out all of season one, two, three and part of season four out now, which we're getting real close to the finals.
Speaker D:Whoa.
Speaker A:Next episode is the final.
Speaker A:That's the last episode.
Speaker A:Check out all of that.
Speaker A:And if you want to hear more from me and cj, go ahead and check us out over on coffee and dnd.
Speaker A:And we just want to say a very thank you very special, a very, very thank you special to our sponsors if you Guys want to just pick up a great cup of mead?
Speaker A:Just have a good time anytime, go ahead and check out Good Times Mead.
Speaker A:If you guys want to pick up some of our awesome collab dice that we have with Reps and Respawn, check out the Reps and Respawn shop.
Speaker A:If you guys want to pick up some of the best minis in the game right now, check out Fireball figurines.
Speaker A:You ever wonder if dragon meat is smoky or not?
Speaker A:Maybe after this, the last segment, maybe you don't want to know that, but if you do, check out mythical meat.
Speaker A:If you guys want your beard to look like a million plaid, check out Beard Sorcery.
Speaker A:For any of your guys's cosplay needs or wood burning needs, go ahead and check out Magni Craft Works.
Speaker A:You guys want to pick up some great DND merchandise.
Speaker A:I think they just released their DM cup.
Speaker A:Check out the wicked goblin merchandise.
Speaker A:For all your hygiene, beauty and any smell good needs, go ahead and check out Wolf Den over on Instagram.
Speaker A:And if you guys want to pick up just a great cup of coffee all around, check out Dragon roast coffee.
Speaker A:That's everything I have for this episode.
Speaker A:Cj.
Speaker E:That's everything I have for this episode.
Speaker E:Episode.
Speaker E:No, but seriously guys, thank you for being in here.
Speaker E:Coming bringing your all, having fun and making it an epic episode.
Speaker E:It was a great one.
Speaker E:We had a hell of a lot of laughter.
Speaker E:So it, it is appreciated.
Speaker E:Thank you both for stopping by the tavern.
Speaker C:Thanks for having us.
Speaker B:Yeah, thanks so much, guys.
Speaker E:Hell yeah.
Speaker E:And with that, I think it's time we close our doors because nose goes on cleaning.
Speaker E:It's all Rudy's time.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:We can't see Dante.
Speaker A:I think it was him.
Speaker D:I don't have a nose.
Speaker A:The dice are down.
Speaker A:The tail is spun.
Speaker A:Another quest on chat one and done.
Speaker C:Raise your your mugs.
Speaker A:The night is won.
Speaker A:Roll again.
Speaker A:When next we come from Nat1 fails to legends be gone.
Speaker A:Thanks for joining Chat1 and.
